I used to think that there was some hidden, magical answer to life out there waiting to be found. I believed that once
I discovered that answer, my life would somehow be transformed into all the things of dreams and legends. I would suddenly
and miraculously have it all together and difficulties would be a thing of the past. I've never been more glad to be so wrong!
My
life was not easy by any standards, but I always held onto the hope that it wasn't as bad as others. It seems almost comical
to me now; the things we convince ourselves of as truth when our only goal is survival. Funny if it weren't so painful.
Okay,
this is the point where I'm supposed to relay a poignant tale of how I struggled through life and then found zen after much
soul searching. Well, guess what? SURPRISE! There is no such truth in life. Nope. None. I'm so sorry to let you down like
that. I know that we all buy and read these types of books still searching (hoping) for that hidden, magical answer to life
even when we know it doesn't really exist. Hey, my bookcase is just as full as the next persons! So what, then, is the point
of this book? Good question.
All my life I wanted to be an author. When I was younger I dreamed of writing something
so touching and funny and prolific and wise... well, need I go on? Let's just say that I was so wrapped up in the effect this
book would have that I gave little or no thought as to the content. As I grew older I started thinking of ideas. I also started
telling myself that as soon as I reached zen and was organized and financially independant and... you get the picture here?
The fact is that I kept putting all these conditions on myself that I would never be able to reach. Which brings me to the
point of this book. We will never "arrive" at perfection, but there are certain paths that eliminate some unnecessary walking.
So,
here I am, still on my path and wrting a book to share my experiences with others like me. I spent so much time in misdiagnosis
and misunderstanding that it took me most of my life to even find the path of recovery and healing. And a path it is. It is
not a destination or certificate or anything else like that. I decided that if my experiences could illuminate that path for
someone else and help them avoid at least some of the junk that I went through then I needed to share.
This was not
an easy decision. It is one thing to sit down and write a work of fiction, quite another to sit down and spell out the more
intimate details of one's personal life. Yet, in the end, there really was no question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, as you can see this is not a book. I intend to write that book, but for now the matter of urgency is being
heard. Putting my hand out there for those of you who are going through what I have gone through.
I hope that my writings inspire, console and comfort you. Even the darker writings that I have included within
these pages. There may be some subject matter that you find disturding. That is okay. You don't have to
read those. For me it was vital that I tap into, acknowledge and even embrace the darker side of myself in order to
even contemplate the healing process.
Again, this is a life long process. Sometimes my struggle is minute by minute, at times day by day.
I just want you to know that it is never by yourself. Even if you and I are the only two in the world that connect.....
it is still a greater number than one.
Much affection,
LeRae
